Introduction to who I am and my life.

So as a blogger, I should probably tell you a bit about myself.

I'm Lacey Nichole Stanley Knecht. I was born sixteen years ago in Abilene, TX. I have lived in Texas all of my life (although I seriously wish I hadn't. It kind of sucks here.) and traveled to a few different states like Oklahoma, Missouri, Illinois, Kansas, Arkansas, Tennessee, and Indiana. I love to sing, act, write, and dance (although I only dance through musical theatre.) I have my own tumblr account, which occupies a lot of my time along with my other extra curricular activities.

I try to stay very open minded, because frankly, I don't agree with the saying, "An old dog cannot learn new tricks." There's a lot about this world that I'm not exactly sure of yet, but I do my best to learn new things every day. This world, in my eyes, is just a giant contradiction that isn't actually meant to be understood. Learning and understanding are two different things, mind you. I love learning, but understanding? That's not really my area of expertise.

I am good at a lot of things, I think. A few of those things would be fucking everything up, singing, acting, lying, and eating. Other than that, I'm just a really big bullshitter. When it comes to religious views, I'm in the process of becoming catholic. Not to say that I agree with everything in the bible; I am bisexual and have been aware of this for about a year. He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named, however, introduced me to the faith and the church. I had been trying to find God for months and months before this, but I was always left empty-handed. One day, I went to Sunday evening mass with He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named and the rest of his family. Let me tell you readers; I watched that man kneel before his God and pray with complete love and adoration of something that I simply didn't know. In that moment, there was nothing in the world that could convince me that what he felt was not real. The most rational thinker I had ever come to know with the intelligence of beyond a damned genius was on his knees before God. I wanted that, too. So, going to Sunday evening mass with them became routine and finding God was the best thing that had ever happened to me.

He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named did more than just teach me how to love God. He taught me the meaning of acceptance and what it was like to love someone not just for their body, but for their soul. He taught me what it meant to feel precious and special, and never once sexualized me or pressured me or any of that. He made me feel... worth the bullshit that I put him through.

I am a Sophomore at China Spring High School. My best classes are English, World History, and Theatre. I am in the advanced Choir and have five medals for solo/ensemble. I take singing lessons with the absolute best teacher in the universe.

Now that I've introduced myself a bit, maybe you'll understand the rest of my posts. Happy blogging, everyone!

Day One

"To love another person is to see the face of God." -Victor Hugo, Les Miserables. Today, as a sixteen year old girl, I begin my blog with a quote from a classic tragedy of the 1800s. Totally cliche, right? 

My name is Lacey Knecht and I am nothing more than a sixteen year old girl with a hunger to be heard. As a sixteen year old girl, I have been diagnosed with depression, as have most of my friends. Why the hell are we so sad at such a young age? This is the question that, for three years, has plagued my existence. And now, on Friday, November 29th, 2013, I have the answer as to why I am recovering with depression.

When I was twelve years old, I moved in with my father from my grandparent's house in Abilene, TX. My parents had gotten a divorce long before then, mind you, so I lived alone with him. While living with him, he made me feel like the cause of all of his problems. He made me feel ugly, worthless, stupid, and like everything was my fault. If my own father couldn't love me, why should I love me, right?

About two years ago, when I was fourteen, I decided that I have had enough pain and bullshit and I moved in with my mother, three hours away from him. I am still damaged and torn with self hate, self destruction, and anger and bitterness towards my father. I am creating this blog to help me move on from depression. 

Being sad like that... there's nothing like it. It's like a sickness that never goes away. You feel it deep in your belly. You wake up, and there it is. You move and it feels worse. It's almost like the stomach bug, where your only release from the wishy washy feeling of sickness would be throwing up, or taking a deep breath and pushing through. Only you can't throw up; it never goes away. The sadness lingers with you and the only refuge you have is sleep. Once you wake up, BAM! There's the sick feeling. Some days, you can manage a smile. But when you look in the mirror, that sick feeling gathers up inside of your stomach like a crowbar hitting your stomach as hard as possible, and it's only because you merely looked in the mirror. You feel disgusted with yourself, and you don't know how to make it go away.

Thankfully, my self hate is subsiding with the help of my best friend, who is He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named. When I look at him, and when I love him, I see the face of God. However, he has been in a ten year battle with his own self hate, suicidal thoughts, and schizophrenia. Thankfully, with the help of me, that's slowly subsiding as well.

My blog is to help me, him, and anyone else who is on their journey to recovery make it easier and almost as if we are not alone. Because, in all truth, we are not. In being alone, we have each other in that, too. We are all together, in recovery, in live, in death, and in truth. And the truth is, we don't have to continue to live in the loneliness, or the darkness, or the sickness. We are stronger, we are better, and we are beautiful. This is real, this is life, and this is how to be okay again.